It wasn’t planned. It never is. Feelings take over and a flood pours out.Isn’t that always the way? These things sneak up on us unawares.
All of a sudden we spew forth dirty words. Falling fast as raindrops and just as impossible to stem the flow.
I grow impatient and irritable when fatigue and frustration reach simmering point. It’s hard being dependent with M.E and chronic illness sometimes.
My ultra keen observer eye still notices everything, including all those “I wouldn’t do it like that” instances.
Watching while others are doing things I am unable to do doesn’t prevent me from having a point of view about it.
Today was one of those days when carping and criticism replaced kindness and concern. A hasty harangue spilled forth before I knew what was happening.
Ignoring my beloved’s crestfallen face, weary resignation, and attempts to placate me, I continued in my spiel.
Getting all self-righteous and defensive. Feeling justified, even if words spoken in haste tend to be repented at leisure.
Scalded by the heat of words rising to burn us both and sear the air around. Though this wasn’t exactly a rare, isolated incident. Anger, upset, frustration and impatience sit close to the surface.
I withdrew. A weighty stone of shame sat heavy on my chest, refusing to be swallowed.
Gnawing at the edges of my nails as if I could bite the bad away.
Tasting grit as guilt ate at the core of me.
Only sooner than usual, my mind reminded me of Grace Revealed In Trials and how to dig deep into the soil of His word instead of digging over the past few shameful moments.
Here lies rich, fertile soil to run through the soul. Embed in the empty spaces. Good ground to turn over, till and test.
Plant some faith seeds and watch them grow. Sow a crop of righteousness instead of sowing to destruction.
Here lies water. A cool refreshing stream of cleansing. Purification to renew heart and mind.
I was having a bad day and it showed. But I was also having trouble showing myself grace and mercy.
If a friend were suffering likewise I would take her hand and offer reassurance.Listen to her words and those left unsaid.
Look into her eyes and tell her things weren’t as bad as they seemed and God has forgiveness enough to cover it all.
His love for her will never fail. His mercies are new every morning. His grace is sufficient for all our needs.
Remind her we’re no longer soil dwellers ~ rooted to earth as we are ~ but seated in heavenly places with Christ. And as such we have all the resources of heaven at our disposal. Wallowing in the mire is a passing place where we find grace to lift us out of any pit we may have fallen into.
Dig gently to try to unearth the root behind the bad fruit so that she can proceed with greater awareness and wisdom in future.
Suggest she has some TLC to recover her equilibrium ~ a hot bath, massage, reading a great book, eating chocolate/ice-cream curled up in PJs, or whatever it takes.
Let her know she’s going to be Okay and reading this book will help her to know that better.
So why do we have such a hard job forgiving and being kind to ourselves?
We so often fail to show mercy toward our own faults and failings and can be our own worst enemy. Especially if our past is far from pristine and our current circumstances are far from Pinterest perfect.
Perhaps it’s time to stop digging the dirt on ourselves and let the light of God’s presence in.
For darkness cannot abide in its purity. Truth will out. And the truth is we are radically and outrageously loved by God Himself.
He has paved the way to remove all the dirt from our souls and muddied speech from our mouths ~ one golden grace drop at a time ~ to renew and restore all that is sullied and broken.
What do you think? Is it hard for you to be kind to yourself?