I wanted to..but

How is your day going? I hope it is going well. This has been a week of challenge for me. I have been brought (rather uncomfortably) face to face with several of my weaknesses. I’ve wished for different.

Not only do I have an ongoing daily battle with my body when it fails to do all I would like it to, but I can also have some emotional wars going on at the same time – frequently caused by the frustration of living with constant pain and weakness and the stress it induces. I will spare you the gory details.

I like to escape for a bit by connecting through social media. Its addictive charm can weave a comforting spell over me for a while and lull me into a false sense of security. Oh look – a reply, a message, a new follower! Until I see how energy-sapping and dangerous it can potentially be.

Our sense of worth should not depend on who reads our messages, replies, follows, affirms or ignores us that day. Otherwise we are always going to be prone to the shifting tides of opinion and casual interaction and likely to be steered off balance by seemingly being ignored and rejected at times.

So much in life – even the good things – can distract and detract from the best God has planned.

After reading the challenging post by Tanya Marlow  today (yes, on social media again) my own thoughts were thrown into disarray as I thought about God’s Father heart of love and realised how the desire to be loved and accepted never goes away, no matter how much we actually receive those things from others.

Human love is a wonderful thing to experience but it’s also likely to be subject to change, inconsistent, unsatisfactory, unfaithful, weak and insubstantial – no matter how hard we may work at it. Our own backgrounds, family experiences, insecurities and inadequacies can hold us back from fully giving and receiving love.

We still have to trust others to be faithful and true and trust ourselves to love similarly

The poem that follows (written some time ago but still applicable here) highlights the way some of us may perceive ourselves, particularly when wanting to be seen in our best light by the person whose opinion we value most.

It  highlights the need to reach out, knowing our imperfections, and feeling we can never measure up to the expectations of others – or indeed our own.

So it is good to know that as we step out in faith to relate to God we can be reassured that He knows all our faults and failings, loves us anyway (but too much to leave us unchanged) and has provided all the security we’ll ever need in life through knowing Him

‘I wanted to..but’


I wanted to present to you
a lover –
undefiled and whole
with flesh like grass
inviting inspection,
pure and eager
for your reaching arms.
I wanted to present to you
a mind
unclotted by the mud-pied 
clogginess of doubt
free from fettered cares – 
a pliant, strong,
unwaveringly clever partner
to your own.
I wanted to present to you
a heart,
a soul’s yearning sigh
so full and undivided
caught up in 
the meshes of your love
and pulsating 
in full response –
only harmony.
I wanted to present to you
but sadly lacked 
in any.
And so I gave
with weary recognition –


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