This week’s God-sized dream assignment gave me cause for concern.
There is a certain degree of guilt and shame associated with not being a fully functioning member of society. Sadly, those with long-term physical or mental health problems are often misunderstood, marginalised, stigmatised and unfairly treated.
Dark thoughts rose unbidden, like excreta from a cesspool, polluting my mind with their stench:“What will people think?” What will people say?” “I can’t do this” “It’s too hard”
Those old insecurities, low self-esteem and people-approval issues reared their ugly heads again.
Courage to speak comes from a Source outside of myself.
This isn’t all about me. It’s about being faithful in sharing, continuing on the journey, having confidence in the voice and story God has given me, being open, transparent and honest.
I wake for real, insomnia morphing into daylight-stirring, pinned in place by profound fatigue
and pain invading every pore, a soreness-stabbed and stiffened form
resisting all attempts to peel off covers and exit from the bed.
careful to avoid repetition of the fall I had some months ago when weaker than today.
Now, struggling to gather whatever wits I possess, as I gather cereal into bowl,
green tea and lemon teabag, lemon squeeze and a slice,
manuka honey dipped into mug at the ready (try to start the day healthy);
I seek to spend some time with You. Not at my best at all,
(though don’t know when I am)
I come to possess Your best for me this day
Asking for grace, strength, wisdom, guidance and clarity to read Your word,
spend time in Your presence and be fortified for what lies ahead.
I read and absorb the words before me
and I wait as I pour out to You and You reply.
Sometimes it’s words I scribble down, eager not to miss a thing,
or a peace, resting grace, healing joy, quiet balm for a wounded soul.
These days I hurry to the Throne before the phone.
The urge to hear from and communicate with You
exceeds the urge to let the noisy world in.
I come because I must. I come because You invite us to.
I come empty, dry and weary, in need of filling and refuelling.
I come disabled, resting in Your capability.
“..they who wait for the Lord will renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint” ~ Isaiah 40:31
I want to linger longer, though other things shout for attention.
You alone can sustain me.
Nothing else matters so much as these moments with You.
From this space I can find grace to be available,
eyes wide open to the needs around me,
with a heart to reach and touch lives with words that You alone can give.
Awareness, as I move into the day, that I can pray as you direct me to for those
who are hurting, lost, in pain, weak, weary, discouraged – for I know how it feels.
“Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the valley of Baca (weeping), they make it a place of springs..They go from strength to strength..” ~ Psalm 84: 5 – 7
Now breakfast eaten, drink made with usual slosh-splash
spills from joint-swollen hands unsteady;
plethora of pills, supplements – supporting a body out of kilter, immunity messed up,
pervaded by ball and chain of persistent pain – washed down, with more to come.
Connecting with others through social media – welcome distraction, friendship, support,
fellowship of believers world-wide to meet in blogs, groups and prayer.
This is church for me now as illness keeps me captive to the house.
I join in, ready to help, pray and support where I can.
Sit nursing coffee, speak to spouse, read, reflect, and try to wake up.
Consider it a good day if out of pyjamas by lunchtime,
even better if showered and better still if hair can be washed,
though it renders me pole-axed for hours.
Never thought life would reduce to this.
Going with the ebb and flow or burn and crash.
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Potter and pace a bit with minor, manageable tasks at hand – some paperwork,
e-mails, a phone call or two if voice and hands hold out.
Life slips by on screen large and small and I am grateful to join in at all,
remembering days confined to bed when Dark and Quiet companion me instead.
If inspiration and energy flow, I write and write some more if able,
for here I come alive, energised inside for a while
as You give me words to share and bless.
Mountain-scale those stairs, one slow crawl at a time, seeking rest,
sleep, more rest; eat, bread baked and dinner made by my beloved.
Consider myself blessed to have him beside me,
cooking meals, tacking multiple tasks I cannot do;
his the physical effort, mine the emotional ballast, keeping all barely afloat,
caring and sharing, being strength, being grace, being light to one another.
“Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?” ~ Proverbs 20:6
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a snail in the pace of life
a Slow Lane dweller.
Grateful that my grown-up sons require a listening ear
rather than practical care.
I am asked, how do I see Your hand in the middle
of the ‘small’ and ordinary too?
Well, all is minutiae, all is small, all is ordinary,
until You render it great, Extraordinary,
impossible made Possible.
And You are all in all and here throughout it all,
Your love the constant that I rely on,
Your presence energy for my soul,
Your grace is manna for today.
I whisper quiet as I read again
Your words of Hope and Faith;
watch over me as I sleep fitful
for You neither sleep nor slumber,
and protect me from harm
until I rise again – Tomorrow.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away” ~ Revelation 21:4
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